Going Through the Motions
By: Red Velvet
I’m about to admit something kind of embarrassing.
A couple weeks ago I sat outside on a bench and cried like a baby for about 20 minutes during my lunch break (while texting one of my friends). You could say I was having a bit of a meltdown.
I wasn’t planning on writing about it but a few days ago I told Funfetti she should turn to writing as a form of de-stressing and I’ve decided to take my own advice. Lately, I haven’t had the motivation to blog. But I keep thinking about it. While I was baking cookies last Friday night, on the bus, when I’m tossing and turning unable to sleep. I know there are things I want to say but I’ve been having trouble finding the words and lacking the energy to even really try to find them.
Is it possible for a job to just suck the creativity out of you? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening here.
I felt this way a year ago too. That’s part of the reason why I jumped head first into this writing project with Funfetti. I needed to pull myself out of a creative slump. There must be something about the month of April (we created this blog almost exactly a year ago) because here we are and I feel like I need to do the same thing again.
I’ve been incredibly busy at work - in all my five (!) years there, I don’t remember a time when I had to juggle so many projects at once. Usually I thrive on that sort of thing - multitasking, creativity, coding sites (I know, nerd alert!). But at the end of the day I feel so… drained. From everything that I’m doing, from the people I have to deal with (there are days when the littlest things my coworkers do will drive me up the wall), the long commute. I hardly have time to write at work anymore and to be honest, I’m too lazy by the time I get home. I just want to turn on the TV or read a book and relax.
It makes me wonder if other people feel this way when they get home. I have such respect for individuals who go to grad school at the same time or go to the gym religiously. Or even looking at my own mom who makes dinner or irons clothes every other night. Where do they find the energy? And could they please share some with me! Or at the very least, tell me their secret.
When I get in these moods I think of something Celine (from Before Sunset) says - “There are so many things I want to do, but I end up doing not much.” And I mean, I do things. On the weekends, I’m usually spending time with my friends or cousins, finding things around my room to reorganize, baking/cooking. But I’m looking for something more I guess. At the moment, the “more” I want is energy to write or maybe a class. I’m not 100% sure myself.
There are times when I feel like something is missing from my life and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It could be my need to move on from my job, finding an “extracurricular activity” to throw myself into, desire to move out or the lack of a boyfriend (yes, I just said that outloud). I don’t know what it is but I do know that I thought I’d know where my life was going by now. But I don’t. At least it doesn’t seem like I do. It seems like I’m going through these motions but without any sort of direction.
It’s not like I don’t have dreams - I’m just not sure if the path I’m currently on is leading me towards them. And maybe we never really reach a point where we know exactly where we’re headed but I wouldn’t mind some sort of sign.
